I have most of those...

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: : HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays : : is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from : : the object we are trying to hit. : : MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of : : cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well : : on boxes containing seats and chrome. : : ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in : : their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for : : drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes : : to the rear wheel. : : PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. : : HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board : : principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable : : motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more : : dismal your future becomes. : : VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is : : available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the : : palm of your hand. : : OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various : : flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the : : grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. : : WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and : : motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 : : socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. : : DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching : : flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the : : chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that : : freshly painted part you were drying. : : WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them : : somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes : : fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it : : takes you to say, "Ouc...." : : HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Maverick to the ground : : after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the : : jack handle firmly under the front fender. : : EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Maverick : : upward off a hydraulic jack. : : TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. : : PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another : : hydraulic floor jack. : : SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for : : spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. : : E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt : : holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. : : TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease : : buildup. : : TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the : : tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten : : to disconnect. : : CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying : : tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the : : end without the handle. : : BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric : : acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining : : that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. : : AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. : : TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a : : drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," : : which is not otherwise found under Mavericks at night. Health : : benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs : : at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, : : say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark : : than light, its name is somewhat misleading. : : PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style : : paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, : : as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. : : AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a : : coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into : : compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench : : that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in : : Sindelfingen, and rounds them off. : : PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or : : bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. : : HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

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